Circling the bell Jar

grayscale photo of sad woman sitting on wooden planks while resting head on her arm
Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

Circling the bell Jar

 

I am overwhelmed. There I have admitted it. In the last thirty days my father was released from the nursing home only to be back in the hospital within 24 hours. My mother was hospitalized for 3 days. My ex fell off the wagon and spent four spectacularly horrible days calling me and just generally making things unpleasant. Sobered for a week and started the cycle again. I’m working full time. I’m helping care for my father. I’m trying to deal peacefully with my ex. I’m trying to build my business. Planning my parents 50th anniversary party. I don’t have the energy to write, my one sanity salvation. I am beyond overwhelmed to the point of teetering on depression.

My inner child wants to throw a temper tantrum and I’m trying to reign her in. There is nothing really wrong except life.  Life moving on. I used to work the conventions and a couple people I work with have passed away the last few months. It hurts. Knowing I will never see them again takes my breath away. Yet, I am actively watching my father deteriorate. I know before long he will also move on. My father dying is something I can’t deal with, so I spend as much time as I can with him.  Then focus elsewhere. And trust me there is a lot of other things to focus on.

Like, what do you do when your child’s father breaks his heart? I just don’t know how to minimize the damage. My ex showed up at my sons Christmas program at 8:30 in the morning still drunk from the night before. Reeking of alcohol from the night before. When he went to sit down he completely missed the chair falling in front of all the other parents. Aidan was so excited that we BOTH where there. One song in to the program my ex decides he can’t wait to use the restroom. My son went from excitedly singing to watching his father walk out. He stood there worrying, not singing the songs he had been practicing so hard at home for weeks. He finally started singing again when my ex returned during the last song. I couldn’t believe it Aidan had worked so hard.

We were asked to give them about ten minutes to move back to the room then we could join them for the Christmas party. After waiting he decides he needs a smoke and can’t be convinced to wait. My six-year-old spent his whole Christmas Party standing at his classroom door waiting for his father to come back. After school I had to tell him he couldn’t go to his dad’s that day because his dad wasn’t safe to supervise him. I have no answers so we spent the weekend in my nest.

I know your wondering. Nest? Yes, I have so many blankets and pillows it resembles an animal nest. When I am sad, upset or generally overwhelmed I take to the nest. It’s feels safe and comfortable. So that’s where we spent the next two days. Maybe we could handle it differently. But when Aidan gets disappointed like this he needs cuddles and closeness. Maybe he’s not so different from me.

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